Marriage

Marriage

Purpose of Marriage

There are many reasons for marriage, such as:

• it is necessary for the procreation of humans,  and this is necessary to fulfill Allah's desire for humans to be His vicegerents on earth, to act on His behalf
• to provide a legal means of fulfilling sexual desires and the happiness this brings to the person and the wellbeing of the community.  As a direct consequence it prevents the grave sin of illicit sexual relations (including any kind of physical contact outside of marriage).
• for a man and woman to commit to each other in more than a momentary way and for them to enjoy each other's company, love and compassion and thus not be lonely
• to enjoy the blessings and rewards of raising children
• as a form of worship of Allah, since marriage and legal sexual relations with one's husband/wife is something which He has enjoined on human beings and thus their adherence to this command is a form of worship
• it provides support and guidance for both people to help them to better practice their religion

Indeed marriage is something that is very strongly encouraged in Islam and Islam does not encourage a life of celibacy where one is able to marry.  For this reason,  as soon as a man can afford to support a wife he should marry.  If he is unable to afford to support a wife, then it has been prescribed by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) that he should fast (during daylight hours) as a means of controlling his desires.       

  

The right to choose a spouse

In order for a marriage contract to be valid, the mutual consent of both the husband and the wife is necessary. Islamic Law does not permit a woman nor a man to be coerced into a marriage. This means a woman has the right to choose who she wants to marry, providing her father sees the man as suitable.  The father's consent is necessary as he must be assured that he is passing the responsibility for care of his daughter to someone who will be able to support her financially and treat her well according to the guidelines laid down by Allah.   

Who can be chosen as a spouse

A Muslim woman may only marry a Muslim man.  A Muslim man may only marry a Muslim woman or a practicing Jewish or Christian woman (that is, a woman who believes in One God).  The reason for the difference is that the man is the leader of the household and therefore being Muslim he is to uphold the good treatment and rights of his wife and children and ensure there is an Islamic environment.  If the Muslim woman and her children were under the authority of a non-Muslim man then this may not be the case and it could be difficult for her to practise her religion and raise her children in the way that Allah has commanded parents to.

There are no guidelines relating to whether the husband or the wife should be older than the other or who should propose to whom.  Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was 25 years old when his wife Khadeejah (who was 40 years old at the time) proposed to him.

Choosing a spouse

The most important factor that a person should consider when choosing a spouse is the person's piety.  This is because if a person is a practising Muslim and genuinely loves and fears Allah, then they will treat the other according to Allah's commands and not deny their spouse any of the rights that they are entitled to.  This does not mean that other factors should not be taken into consideration when choosing a spouse.  Indeed the person should marry someone who they are attracted to because this will help them to keep their gaze down and adhere to the laws Allah has laid down.  There is also nothing wrong with choosing a husband who is wealthier if the woman feels that he will be better able to provide for her needs such as food, clothing and so on than someone who is poor.  However, whilst these other factors should be considered, the religious nature and piety of the person should be the deciding factor.

Allah has also ordained that a man and woman who are not related should not be alone together, as this opens the door to temptation and may result in the flaunting of Allah's laws and lead to immoral behaviour and corruption in society.    This means that 'dating' is not allowed as a means of selecting a partner.  Indeed one cannot argue that the long process of dating and selecting a spouse by this method to get to know the other person results in happier marriages given the high divorce rate in New Zealand society.

In practice what normally happens is when a person wishes to marry their parents will make enquiries in the Muslim community and to other families who they think might have someone suitable on behalf of their son or daughter.   If both parties are interested based on what they have been told about the other then the prospective couple meet in the presence of other family members to get to know each other.  They will ask each other questions about religious matters and other matters such as interests, hobbies, education, careers and so on.  The families will often make further enquiries around the Muslim community about the other party to find out whether they are of good religious character or not, if they do not already have this information. 

The prospective couple may meet just the once (or sometimes not at all) or several times until they know whether or not they want to marry the person.  If one of them chooses not to marry, then they part their separate ways and no harm is done.  If they are still interested then the man is allowed to see the woman's face (to determine whether he finds her attractive) and her hands (to see how plump she is), if he has not already done so.

The man will offer a dowry to the woman that is within his means and the woman may or may not agree to this.  If everything is to both party's liking, they will get engaged. The entire process should not be dragged out as this serves little purpose as the intention is for the couple to be married.

The marriage

Nikah

After an engagement which may range from hours to years, they will then have a nikah.  The nikah is the religious ceremony after which they are considered husband and wife under Islamic law and all of the previous taboos (such as being alone together, not uncovering one's body in front of the other and engaging in sexual relations) disappear.  The nikah is usually a relatively low-key affair where three witnesses will ask the bride and groom independently if they agree to marry the other and if they each say 'yes' three times they then become husband and wife.  In some cases this is done in the form of a written contract as well, which is signed by the bride, the groom and the witnesses. Some verses of the Qur'an are read. 

Walima

It varies in different cultures as to when the couple begin to live together, despite the fact that after the nikah they are permitted to do so.  Often they will wait until after the walima, or wedding feast.    The wedding feast may be the same day as the nikah, or months, even years after.  It is encouraged to invite poor people to the walima and it is often a very big celebration where the bride will wear her best clothes and jewellery and a feast will be served.  The male and female guests should be separated as intermingling between the sexes is not permitted.  The Walima is a public statement to let everyone know that the couple are married.  For more information on the walima see Celebrations.

Martial relations

The husband and wife must treat each according to Allah's laws and not deny the other any of their rights.  If one or the other denies their spouse their rights and fails to remedy this, then divorce may be requested.  The following verses are taken from the Qur'an with regard to the rights of husbands and wives:  

"And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them."

(Qur'an 2:228)

"and live with them honourably"  (i.e. your wives)

(Qur'an 4:19)

As such the husband and wife are entitled to the following:

The wife is entitled to the following from her husband:

• her mahr (dowry) - given as a gift, to illustrate the seriousness of the marriage, and as a token of respect and honour for the woman
• have her food, clothing and accommodation provided for (even if she is rich)
• be treated kindly and not be physically or emotionally abused
• not work if she wishes not to
• dispose of her assets and income as she wishes
• have her physical, financial and emotional needs met
• to have children

The husband is entitled to the following from his wife:

• to have his property protected in his absence
• to be respected as the leader of the household and obeyed (unless his requests go against Allah's)
• for her not to admit anyone into his house that he does not like
• for his wife to exhibit behaviour and dress befitting of a Muslim woman
• for her to make herself available to him (physically) unless she has a valid excuse (such as menses, fasting, illness etc)
• to have children
• that she does not leave the house without his permission (since he is her guardian and responsible for her care and protection)
• to admonish her (but not severely) if she disobeys him in something good (e.g. not fulfilling her duties towards Allah (which includes those of her husband that Allah has ordained))
• to be treated with kindness and in a reasonable way - the wife should not harm her husband, just as he should not harm her

There is nothing to say that the wife must cook and clean for her husband, and indeed Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) used to assist his wives with the household chores and he is the best example for Muslims.  However, because the wife is usually at home with her children it naturally is easier for this to be part of her contribution to the smooth running of the household and sharing of the workload. 

The husband and wife enjoy each other in every way: emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual.  There is no restrictions between them concerning what parts of the other's body they are allowed to see. 

One of the important duties that both the husband and wife should perform is to remind the other to obey Allah.  Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said that amongst the best wealth a man can have is a believing wife who will help him in his faith.

Whilst it is natural that there will be some aspects that a husband may not like in his wife and vice versa, they must be tolerant and patient and focus on the good points.

Contraception

One of the purposes of marriage is for the procreation of human beings and building a society of righteous Muslims. When the issue of contraception is considered, it is firstly useful to categorise the different forms of contraception into two groups: those that permanently render a person unable to have children (vasectomy, tubal ligation and so on), and those that are temporary (such as condoms, the contraceptive pill and the IUD/Coil).

With regard to the first category, it is not allowed to permanently prevent oneself from conceiving unless there is a medical reason that would cause the woman great harm or to die should she become pregnant. 

With regard to the second category, whilst it is strongly disliked in Islam, it is not forbidden to use such measures as a temporary means of contraception for a period of time.  However, those methods of contraception which are known to affect the health of either the man or woman (such as the IUD or the contraceptive pill) should be carefully considered as Muslims are not permitted to knowingly cause harm to themselves. 

The decision to use contraception should be a mutual decision as it is the right of both the husband and the wife to enjoy the blessing of having a family. The avoidance of having children due to fear of poverty is mentioned in the Qur'an and Allah tells us that He is the Provider and Sustainer.

With regard to the subject of abortion, this is covered elsewhere under the children section in Family.

Divorce

The couple should attempt to do all they can to live together harmoniously.  Much of this comes from the couple following Allah's commands and practising Islam.  If however, they have problems that they unable to resolve by themselves, they are to get arbitrators representing both the husband's and the wife's family to try to remedy the situation.   If still nothing can be done and the couple feel that remaining together would jeopardise their ability to stay away from what Allah has forbidden then divorce is a last resort that is allowed in Islam under certain circumstances. 

 A divorce must be for a good reason, such as the couple disliking one another to the point where they cannot treat each justly, not adhering to the rights of the other person, or one of them is behaving in an immoral way or indulging in that which Allah has forbidden.  Divorce is not an action that is to be taken lightly and it is not a decision to be made in haste.  For this reason, Allah has laid down set guidelines as to how the couple should go through the process of divorce.  These guidelines are designed to give the couple time to think through and to reconsider their decision and reconcile their differences.  Furthermore, a limit is put on the number of times the husband and wife can marry, divorce and remarry without marrying anyone else in between.  Preferably, two witnesses should be brought to witness either the divorce or the agreement to reconcile the marriage.

'Iddah (waiting period)

There is a waiting period during which time after one or the other of the couple have requested a divorce, that they remain married but are not yet divorced.  If the wife requests the divorce (khula') then there is a waiting period of one menstrual cycle to ensure she is not pregnant and she gives her husband a payment (such as the dowry he gave to her) to signify she longer wishes to be under his care.  If the husband requests the divorce (talaaq) then the waiting time is three menstrual periods.  If however, the wife is pregnant in either case, the waiting period is until the pregnancy ends.   

If the husband requests a divorce then he may only do so when his wife is not having her menses (and they have not martial relations since she finished menstruating for that month) or when it is clear that she is pregnant.  Once these conditions have been met and he requests divorce then the waiting period begins. 

Talaaq

The following information relates only to talaaq (divorce requested by the husband).

When a husband requests for the first time that he wants a divorce, this is known as the first talaaq.  The second and third divorce and known as the second talaaq and third talaaq respectively.   

During the first and second talaaq the wife stays with her husband in his house as he is still responsible for her until the waiting period is finished and they are still permissible to each other during this time.  At the end of this time they become divorced if the husband has not taken the wife back. At any time during the waiting period of the first or second talaaq the husband may take the wife back and nullify the divorce.  However, if the waiting period expires and the husband has not taken her back, then they are divorced at the time of expiry.  After this they are not lawful to each other any more and all the restrictions that applied before they were married apply once more. 

After they have had the first or second talaaq they may remarry and have another nikah and this is fine.  If however it is the third talaaq then the couple do not remain together in the house and become unlawful to one another as soon as the third talaaq is declared, even though they are not divorced until the waiting period is over.  Furthermore, once the third talaaq is declared the couple may not ever remarry each other until the divorced wife remarries another man with good intentions and they consummate their marriage.  The husband must therefore seriously consider the reality of certainly losing his wife to someone else should he divorce her for the third time. 

There is a misconception amongst some non-Muslims and Muslims that the three talaaqs may be issued all at once (i.e. the husband simply says "I divorce you" three times), without any waiting periods in between.  This is not according to Islamic law and defeats the purpose of having three talaaqs in the first place, which is to allow the husband time to reconsider his decision and for the couple to remedy their problems.

Plural Marriage

Many of the men and prophets before Muhammad (PBUH) had numerous wives.  For example, Prophet David (peace be upon him) is said to have had 99 wives, whilst Prophet Solomon (peace be upon him) it is said had 700 wives and 300 concubines.  Thus, it can be seen the practice of plural marriage is not something new and has been practiced throughout the ages.   Before the advent of Islam in its final form, there was no limit on the number of wives a man could have and no rules pertaining to the way which the wives were to be treated. Then Allah revealed the following verse in the Qur'an:

"And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice"

(Qur'an : 4:3)

This means that if a man desires then he may have up to four wives at one time, but no more.  Temporary marriage is not permitted in Islam, when a Muslim man marries a Muslim woman, the intent is that he will be married to her for the rest of his life.

It is also be noted that the above verse does not state that it is compulsory to have more than one wife.  In fact, it does not even say that it is desirable.  Rather, it simply permits it.  In doing so, it also lays out the conditions by which a man may take more than one wife, namely he must have:

1. The ability to treat them fairly and justly

2. The ability to equally spend on one's wives

The husband must treat all his wives fairly and equally.  If he fears that he will be unable to do so, then he should only marry one wife.  It is compulsory that a man should be just and fair and not favour one wife over the other in what he provides her with.  He should share his time equally between his wives and must provide separate living quarters  for each of them (i.e. the co-wives cannot be forced to live together under one roof).  The husband is not permitted to engage in intimate (physical) relations with one wife in the presence of another. Failing to do any of this is grounds for the wife to ask for divorce. 

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) used to have a separate house for each of his wives and each wife would have certain days of the week that he would spend with her.  When he went away travelling each wife would take turns to accompany him.  For 25 years of his life, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) had only one wife, Khadeejah, and he remained dutiful and loyal to her.  It was not until after her death that he remarried.  He never had any children to any of his other wives except for Khadeejah. 

Because plural marriage is allowed, (as opposed to being mandatory), it is not the normal practice amongst Muslims and by far and away, the majority of Muslim men only have one wife.  The man needs to consider the extra pressures that having more than one wife places on him and he must be able to fulfill the conditions both financial and emotional,  laid out above.

However, there are situations in which it may be desirable or necessary for a man to have more than one wife, hence Allah has made such an allowance.  The following are some reasons why:

1. It increases the number of Muslims, since more children can be brought into the world in the situation of plural marriage opposed to singular marriage.

2. The number of women outnumbers the number of men and thus if every man were to marry just one woman, some women would be left unmarried.  This would have harmful effects on her (e.g. no-one to provide for her, loneliness, lack of intimacy, no children etc) and her society (e.g. unlawful sexual relations, illegitimate children, prostitution, STDs etc).   By allowing plural marriage the woman has the right to be spent on and treated kindly and fairly, rather than being a married man's 'mistress'.

3.  Men are more likely to be killed through dangerous professions and as soldiers in war.  This increases the number of unmarried women.

4. Some men have very strong physical desires, not only does this place a great demand on the wife,  but it may mean that one wife is not enough.  Allowing a man more than one wife gives him a legal way to control his physical desires without falling into illegal sexual relations.  Additionally, there are times when a wife is unable to have physical relations with her husband (during her menses and after childbirth) and having more than one wife means the husband is not denied in this way.

5. A man's wife may be barren or unable to have intercourse due to sickness and the man may desire children or intimate relations with his wife - which are rights he is entitled to.  Rather than divorce her, or cause her to remain single, this way he still provides for her and provides her with companionship and her other needs.

Whilst Allah has permitted that a man can have up to four wives, He has decreed that a woman is permitted to have only one husband (at any one point in time).  If a woman were to have more than one husband, not only would it be degrading for her, but it would mean it would be very difficult to know who the father of her children were and hence the lineage of the family would be lost.  

Temporary Marriage

Temporary marriage is a practice that has been absolutely forbidden by Allah. When two people marry their intention must be to remain dutifully married until one of them dies, after which time they are permitted to remarry. 

Remarriage

After a person's husband or wife dies, or they are divorced,  they are permitted to remarry someone else.  In both cases (death or divorce), remarriage is only allowed after the waiting period ('Iddah). The subject of  'Iddah, its timeframe and conditions are covered in bothBereavements and on this page above under the sub-heading 'Divorce'.